My first conducting symposium

Dear Nemo,

I went to my first conducting symposium this week, and a friend today told me to describe it in 3 words. I chose terrifying, enlightening, and inspiring.

1. Terrifying

Having to go into this week-long conducting symposium without know anyone there was, frankly, a bit nerve-wracking. (not to mention finding out I was the youngest, least experienced participant conducting there)

Would I meet fellow musicians who shared the same passion as me? Would they judge me for my musical skills, or the career path I had chosen to take? Would I go there and find out that everything I had worked on was moot, that none of my skills were applicable to the real, harsh, cold world of music?

I had placed a lot of weight into this symposium knowing it would be my first out-of-college musical experience – I had a lot of trouble finding music during the summers I didn’t have school, and so I had a lot of anxiety about being able to face the music in a real-world setting and being “good” enough for the things I want to pursue within music. I’m not the most self-disciplined with practice, and I struggle a lot with impostor’s syndrome with regards to musical ability. Sometimes, when I stay out of music long enough, I forget what the beauty of a music-filled lifestyle looks like and how to get back into the swing of it again.

But, boy, did the workshop deliver, both in expectations/stakes and in facing reality.

2. Enlightening

I was right. My worst fears were realized: I was definitely the least-experienced one there. I was the youngest, most naive, and the least qualified.

I had a harsh wake-up call. Being a music teacher, especially for K-12, in the public school system, is hard. You care so much about your work, about the kids, and about the world they go out to, but then you realize that the world doesn’t care back. How much can you do in the span of a school day? What can you do when students don’t care, or do care when others don’t? What if they’re POC, or gay, or trans, and the world is against them in every way possible? What if you don’t get paid enough to sacrifice your blood, sweat, and tears for this work? What if the music program doesn’t get enough funding?

Because it’s something you love with all of your heart and being, it becomes something so, so painful and time-consuming. No work-life balance, no separation of job and emotion.

But it’s so time-consuming because you care, and it’s because you care that you are able to make a difference. Through music. Because music is beautiful, and so are you.

3. Inspiring

It was because I was the least experienced and the youngest one there that I was able to learn so, so much.

Each and every person in this workshop was so, so beautiful.

For maybe the first time in life, I could 100% say that each and every person in that room was AT LEAST as passionate as I was about music, if not more. It was intimidating, but also exhilarating at the same time. Just the way each person showed how much they cared about the music, the people, their students, their mentors, the musical journey itself, and the connections and memories made because music was able to make it possible… It’ll be something I’ll carry with me for the rest of my life.

You could really feel that each and every person there wanted to be there to the fullest of their being. Whether it was M making eye contact with each and every musician during “Grace Before Sleep,” absolute love and passion and empathy brimming in their eyes, to K and C feeling all of the bittersweetness and frustration with society through “Requiem for the Unarmed” and mentioning how art is a medium for societal change, and everyone who did Lincolnshire Posy mvt. 2 whose eyes lit up at some of the most magical, majestic parts in the second half of the movement (iykyk).

There’s just something so special about playing in an ensemble and baring your soul and emotions into the part you’re playing because the conductor is putting their full faith and trust into the ensemble, and showing a vulnerable part of themselves in the art that is unique to them and that moment with the ensemble. It’s incredibly difficult to put into words, but in that moment, the rest of the world melts away and all that’s left is you, the music, your ensemble friends, and your conductor – and all of you are heading towards the same goal, the same emotion, and the same message, with one encompassing piece of music guiding you along. That kind of connection is so fleeting and unique, but because it’s so transient and finite, it becomes something so special and cherished. It’s truly just… one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever experienced, both within and outside of music.

And – get this: every single conductor had their own little style and identity inserted into their conducting. It was so, so subtle, but each person’s character still came out in their conducting, whether it was the way they interpreted the piece they chose, or the expressions they made on their face, or the little hand gestures/grandiose, powerful arm sweeps they did, or even just the way they interacted with ensemble…

And even with this skill level, it was such a warm, supportive, fun environment: everyone supported and cheered for everyone, and gave reassuring advice or words of empathy, joked around, got food/drinks, connected on a personal level beyond music… no ego involved at all. (which I feel is what music should truly embody)

At the end of the workshop, we did a small survey of everyone there, someone asked this question:

“Raise your hand if you’ve ever felt impostor’s syndrome in this field of work.”

And everyone, without hesitation, raised their hand.

I feel like this is worth mentioning because… isn’t this crazy?? You have a room of 30 adults, some just starting their careers, and others nearing at least 30+ years of conducting, and they still remember how impostor’s syndrome felt like, and perhaps still experience it in their day-to-day lives as a musician/music educator. Is it… weird to say that I feel like that’s how I know they all truly care about music? It’s because they love music so much that impostor’s syndrome becomes a consequence of that deep, musical passion.

If you know me, you know my musical philosophy is that “music matters because of the people in music.” Whether that’s the musician, the composer, the audience… music is music is beautiful is irreplaceable because of its human aspect: the transience of a performance, the emotional pull of a piece, or the variability of a musician/conductor’s interpretation of that composition, and the wonderful moment/connection that exists between two people as a result. Alongside that, I believe that music can be a life-long journey if you make it. There’s always room to grow, and new connections/memories to make, and new messages to convey or represent.

I’m sure I’ll add more to this post as I continue to ruminate on this musically fruitful week, but as I finish off this little bit of writing for the night, I want to remember that even though I may not be much right now, I want to be able to have my own identity in the way I conduct, and know that there is a whole cohort of conducting mentors behind me, reassuring me that there is no “one” path on this journey (hearing about what people did/went through before they got into music education or where they are now was absolutely crazy and mind-blowing HAHA), and that if I just keep going, I can grow and live a life that truly is worth living. 🙂

Because what I dream for is possible. Because they’re all living proof.

Love,

nemodan

Spoiler – Jung Ilhoon of BTOB (ft. Babylon)

“When the hot words all cool down
Even if I don’t see you
I know why you’re so down.”

This song is so dreamy. But in a good, nostalgic way.

And the lyrics? Ilhoon does it again. The lyrics are basically poetry.

“Rather than your short joys, I was more important to myself
I showed you lies instead of truths you should know
Just like how the world only showed me good things
I wanted to cover your eyes with my small hands
I’m sure you think it’s unfair but we’re all victims here
After you’re born and fall in love, you need to go through pain
To see this reality, it becomes a black dot and disappears
Feels like someone once told me”

The first verse will really hit those of you who have loved and lost someone or hurt someone you deeply cared about. You both become hurt and pained, but grow through that, and as a consequence, lose your naivety. We’re all selfish, and sometimes that selfishness lashes out, and other times we just lose people as we go chase our own ambitions and paths and say goodbye. We hide, we lie, and things just happen inevitably.

“We know but we act like we don’t
Cuz that’s more comfortable, like a spoiler
Actually, you’re the one who showed me
The side of you I didn’t wanna know”

It hurts, like a spoiler. When you just listen to the music and read the lyrics, it brings back nostalgic times. For some, that might be a relationship, but for others, it just simply might be people they miss or have hurt, any regrets and sorrows, and the good and the bad. A bit of wistfulness, that sad smile you get when you look into the past and realize you can’t turn back time. (Ilhoon’s “lazy” rapping is seriously perfect for this.)

The second verse turns more into emotions of desperation and denial (at least, that’s how it feels to me). It kind of cuts into your lamenting and pulls you back, and I love how clear Babylon’s voice is, as well as his ad-libs. Really, the combination of both in the last verse, and then Ilhoon’s “down” just finishing the song softly leaves you with the song’s message well after the song’s end.

The instrumental itself is also really cool, and kind of reminds me of some of the instrumental and devices used in the instrumental of the songs in RM’s mono. Both are good, calm simping songs that leave you with “the feels” and nostalgia.

(I’ll update this post with the chords/key if I have time in the next few days or weeks. I’m also hoping to post an English and Korean cover of this song, and have the English lyrics written out.)

This song’s got me “so down,” but in a good way.

“I wanna lean on something
On top of the blue clouds
It’s just time to go
I’m letting go
If this is a sin, I have nowhere else to go
Nowhere else to go.”

[The link at the top was to the short film that accompanied his rap verse for the song. However, here’s a link to the full audio version of the song:

]

**Disclaimer: Copyright not intended. Song and lyrics, videos, pictures, etc. belong to their respective owners and are not mine. This post was created and written by me.

Currently Listening To: BTOB’s Hour Moment (album)

This is such a chill album, and I dig it. It fits the autumn-winter vibe so well, and I love it so much. All the songs are unique and have their own vibe, and the lyrics are nice. The raps and vocals are amazing and stellar, and honestly, I’d recommend this album to anyone (who appreciates a good jam, since ballads and chill songs aren’t necessarily everyone’s cup of tea). I believe all the songs had some sort of contribution from the members, both lyrically and producing-wise.

Here’s the link to the title song, “Beautiful Pain”:

 

Album should be on Melon, Naver, Bugs, Soribaba, Ori, Spotify, etc. There’s a video of it on YouTube but I encourage supporting them directly via the aforementioned music providers. Spotify is free and probably the easiest way to access their songs for non-Korean listeners.

Edit: My bad, it’s not up on Spotify yet, but should be very soon.

Currently Listening To: RM’s mono (album)

This album is chill and cohesive. If you start listening to it, you can’t stop, because all the songs flow so well together. They’re all distinct and different, but carry the same vibe. I think my favorites are “uhgood” (the only title in Korean I believe) and “seoul”, but “forever rain” has been growing on me a lot, and “tokyo”‘s ambient vibe, “moonchild”‘s slow jam, “everything”‘s nostalgic vibe, and “bad bye”‘s eerie, darker tone are also great. If you’re in the mood for some chill rap or rnb, or maybe even lofi (just something calm, chill, nostalgic), you should definitely give this album a listen. All the lyrics are really meaningful, and all the songs are wonderfully produced.

Probably going to be one of my favorite albums released this year.

I might do an official post about “uhgood” and the other releases, but for now, this is what I’m currently listening to and having on repeat. 🙂

“Currently Listening To:” Series

Just a heads up to anyone who reads this blog!

I’ll be adding a new type of post to this blog called “Currently Listening To:”, which is basically a quicker way of me posting about what I’m into at the moment. Instead of long posts rambling about musicality and what I like about a certain song, I’ll post the link to the song/album, with a short informational thing about who the album song is by, etc. and the mood or atmosphere the song has.I may include more or less on the “Currently Listening To:” types of posts, but I figured that it would be a faster way to share music with everyone and also condense content into a sort of “tl;dr” that also makes it easier and faster for you to read and skim through if you just want something to listen to and don’t want to read through long, dense paragraphs. (I’ll still be writing the longer, song recommendation/analysis-esque posts, though!)

The Truth Untold – BTS Vocal Line

If you read the story that this song took inspiration from while listening to the song, you might want to get a box of tissues ready while you do so.

While listening to BTS’s Love Yourself: Tear album for the first time, this song didn’t particularly stand out to me compared to Anpanman or “Mariachi~”, but after a while has passed and revisits to the album have been made, this song has definitely grown on me, especially after reading the meaning behind this song.

The song is based off the story “La Città di Smeraldo,” and while I could give you a summary on the story, I’d rather link a post I found about it instead because you gotta understand the whole story to get the tears flowin’, amirite? :’) You can also Google the title of the story and it’ll probably give you the information you need.

Link: https://aminoapps.com/c/btsarmy/page/blog/story-behind-the-truth-untold/QKqd_2K0cXu302VD614b2gD8devY0m6NMov

Link to lyrics: https://colorcodedlyrics.com/2018/05/bts-bangtansonyeondan-truth-untold-jeonhaji-moshan-jinsim-feat-steve-aoki

The lyrics convey the story very well, and the vocalists’ different vocal tones help convey different moods and create different settings for each verse and chorus. I particularly like V’s deep voice starting off the song because it instantly sets a sorrowful, sad tone to the song.

Besides the story interpretation of the song, I also interpret it as wanting to hide yourself from the world and being too shy to really show your true self. It’s a fear or feeling I feel that almost everyone has at some point in their lives, and it’s quite relatable and ties in with the message of the story as well. Sometimes, we’re too scared to show who we are to the world, and as a result, self-doubt, self-hatred, or fear can fester, and we can slowly forget who we are because we constantly have to hide it. I think this song is a good way to express that fear and reach out to those who share the same feeling.

If you’re looking for a sad Korean song to simp to that has pretty deep, meaningful lyrics, “the truth” is that “I still want you” to listen to this song.

“So pathetic
I’m so afraid
In the end, will you leave me too?
So I’m putting on a mask to go see you”

 

**Disclaimer: Copyright infringement not intended. Song, lyrics, image, links, etc. are not mine. All rights belong to respective owners. This post was created and written by me.*

Yell – Standing Egg

This song is the epitome of what it feels like to take off and soar.

“Truth be told”, I was planning on posting another song this week, but I came across this song randomly while checking out the K-indie band Standing Egg, and it’s quickly become one of my all-time favorite K-indie songs. At first listen, I didn’t pay much attention to the Korean lyrics and just picked out the English lyrics (“You’re so beautiful,” misheard “I wanna love me now” as “I wanna love you now”, “Take me higher”), and it seemed like a typical cute, pleasant confession/love song, but after Googling the lyrics and paying more attention to what’s being said, I realized that it wasn’t a song about loving someone else, but a song about loving yourself. I can’t help but smile every time I listen to this song.

I feel like in the midst of so many songs that talk about loving other people or romantic relationships, it’s good to have a powerful song like this one talk about loving yourself and accepting yourself instead.

It reminded me of other “soaring” songs like NCT U’s “Without U” and BTOB’s “Yes I Am”, and after listening to them one after another, the key signatures that this song and Without U are in are actually the same (although I don’t think Yes I Am is, not confident about that one). They all utilize driving beats with guitar and powerful vocals, and the lyrics are sweet and meaningful, which is why I think I have a soft spot for all three.

(If I figure out the key signature later, I’ll definitely update this post.)

Edit: jk I think they’re all in the same key signature

Just a personal observation that I really liked: in the first chorus, the lower voice is louder than the harmonizing higher one, but in the choruses after, the higher voice is louder, which, for me, makes the song “grow” and become stronger in a sense as I listen to it. Kinda like telling a story, no?

I personally feel like reading the lyrics while listening to this song makes the experience of listening to it even more powerful, so here’s a link to the Korean lyrics and English translation: http://www.tartfroyo.com/standing-egg-yell/

“Taking me higher”, this song makes me “wanna love myself now” and “yells” its message to listeners with meaningful lyrics and powerful, dynamic instrumental.

*This is a picture from the MV, and I liked it but didn’t want to put it as the featured image for the post, so here it is instead:

**Disclaimer: Song, video, lyric translations and actual lyrics, image, etc. belong to their respective owners. This post is mine. No copyright infringement intended.

Dear Moon – Minhyuk (from BTOB)

In “Dear Moon”, Minhyuk doesn’t just deliver a good song and skilled vocals; he delivers raw emotion.

We usually see Minhyuk as one of the three rappers in BTOB (and a very capable one at that), but in this song, his vocals are shown off, and no rap is in sight. Instead of Korean, the song is in Japanese (which to my pleasant surprise, Minhyuk is fairly fluent in), and I’m honestly sad about how Minhyuk rarely gets a chance to showcase his vocals in BTOB songs, especially when he’s so talented.

The song is your typical nostalgic ballad, except… it’s not?

The instrumental intro instantly hooked me in, along with the surprising softness of Minhyuk’s voice. The instrumental and his voice change dynamics together, and it feels like they’re intertwined pleasantly to tell a sad story of the past. I really like how it starts with only/mainly piano as the instrumental (again, simplicity is underrated <3). Then the song slowly starts adding strings and increasing the dynamic in the first chorus sung, along with the emotions brought by Minhyuk’s voice. He really conveys the desperation and sadness the song wants to express. With the gentle buildup of instruments to the second chorus, the song doesn’t want to take things too fast and lets you just enjoy its pleasant softness and nostalgia it invokes.

And the bridge

wow.

Minhyuk’s vocals and emotions are no joke.

My heartstrings tugged when his voice increased in emotion and volume along with the instrumental in the bridge, and when the buildup all came to a stop with Minhyuk’s sorrowful high note, I was left feeling overwhelmed, but not in a bad way. The last time the chorus is sung, Minhyuk doesn’t hold back, and neither does the instrumental. Emotions and music blend together to create a bittersweet, heart-aching end to the song.

I’m almost positive I cried when I first listened to this song while reading the lyrics. It wasn’t necessarily because I had a breakup, etc. similar to the one the lyrics talked about, but rather because Minhyuk’s voice delivered so much sadness and desperation that it filled me with similar sad, nostalgic emotions. I seriously want him to sing more because he killed this song (in a good way).

I think the main difference I saw between this ballad-like song and other ballads I’ve listened to, and what really sets this aside objectively is the rawness we hear in Minhyuk’s voice, and how both he and the instrumental initially (and noticeably) hold back and gradually but smoothly build up while the song progresses. The song, while it does have a notable climax, doesn’t overwhelm the listener with too many instruments or powerful vocals, but lets the listener just relax and ride the melody without excessive decoration or overly in-your-face vibes.

Oh Moon, do you hear Minhyuk’s voice? I sure hope you do.

“Because I’m okay with just once, you, and this life,
Because this is the last, I want to meet you
I just want to meet you.”

 

*Disclaimer: Video and song, etc. are not mine. All rights go to respective owners. I only wrote this post and run this blog.*

Come Closer – Ilhoon ft. Hyunsik (from BTOB)

Who needs to be smooth when you can play a smooth song on repeat?

But seriously, I’ve been loving Ilhoon’s solo work. Everything from Big Wave as well as the songs he’s produced (i.e. “Movie”, “Come to Play”, Upgrade”, etc.) have been on repeat for me this month, but this song particularly sticks out to me. Maybe it’s the simplicity of it and laidback atmosphere it has, or the chill instrumental, but I absolutely love this song.

I’m not sure if there’s much to say musically about this song, other than the fact that the instrumental matches really nicely with the vocals (synchronization is underrated) and i LOVE HOW CHILL IT IS. A pleasant reminder that songs don’t necessarily need to be musically sophisticated for someone to enjoy them, even for music geeks. 🙂 Simplicity is often underrated.

Definitely give this song a listen if you’re not usually into the pop-ier side of Kpop; you might find that you like it. ^^ It’s a bit more on the R&B (?) side, so if you like those kinds of songs, check out Ilhoon’s Big Wave album as well.

“All I want is (for) you” to listen to this song. 🙂

 

*Disclaimer: Song, image, and video not mine. All rights go to respective owners.

Stigma – V (from BTS)

Haven’t been active in a while, but after finding myself coming back to this song multiple times this summer while working, I just had to post it.

I’m sure you all have heard of BTS by now: the global K-pop phenomenon sweeping the U.S. and social media, sweeping up awards at U.S. awards shows, etc.

While I do listen to their music, I’m not their #1 fan, and I don’t think I’d be considered an ARMY since I’m a casual listener. However, I’ve been going through their solo releases in search of new music, and this one, along with Jin’s “Awake”, have been on replay for quite a while. I love how fragile/soft V’s voice seems at the beginning with the percussion going along with the base and piano, and the trumpets slowly entering in the section bridging the verse and chorus together. Then the chorus with V singing “deeper” while the percussion/synth/voices???? hits right after, and the trumpet and harsh percussion sounds after it are a great transition and moodmaker. I love how the verses aren’t exactly the same, along with how both of them lead into the chorus.

AND THEN THE LAST VERSE

V’s ad libs

V’S AD LIBS

I love how he starts really quiet and restrained, and then just LETS IT OUT BUT NOT ALL AT ONCE. It’s really smooth and sounds SO GOOD.

While I haven’t looked at the lyrics themselves since I’m usually multitasking while listening, I assume they’re not about romantic love and I love how it’s not about romantic love. While happy/break-up songs about romantic love are nice and sweet and cute, sometimes I feel like they oversaturate the K-pop (and American pop) scene and many of them aren’t my taste. (some of them are and are my absolute favorites, but I’ll probably post those songs later) So it’s nice to see V go more experimental with “Stigma”. 🙂 Even though it could be interpreted as about love, I think it’s a drastically different take on it than what we usually see (and a lot darker), and this one will definitely stay on my playlist for a while.

I personally interpret it as he wanted to protect someone he loved (family, friend, SO), but he failed, and the person got hurt for his actions. (?)

Either way, it’s a nice song, and the more I listen to it, the “deeper” I fall into his voice.

“Deeper, deeper, the wound just gets deeper
Like pieces of broken glass that I can’t reverse.”

 

**Disclaimer: Song, video, lyrics, etc. not mine. The only thing I made is this post. All rights go to respective owners.

[Edit: The only thing that kinda bothers me in this song is how real trumpets weren’t used for his song. 😦 I think it was pointed out by ReacttotheK, but if you contrast the trumpets in this song to actual trumpet players playing, the actual trumpet sounds are so much more dynamic than the trumpet sounds in the song.]